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Leg Post 125
Leg Post 125 goes back in time to 3200BC when Thebes is a new city under construction, paid for by the pharaoh Djer and with the master builder going by the name of Britt the Bacon Bringer on account of him bringing bacon sandwiches for the workers. They are waiting around because Djer's wife, Nahktneith, is still sleeping. He unveils that he has the Book of Thoth, at which point Britt instantly runs away in fear of Plot. Djer decides to put the book to good use, getting the workers some lunch. Within the Theban Palace, Djer's brother, Neferkaptah, is the vizier of Egypt and working on crafting a new wand. Very few are able to make wands, and even fewer can make great wands. His most prized wand is the Bone Wand, which used a femur bone of Belshaggath, stolen from druids in Britannia, and filled with the marrow of another NeSorcerer that Neferkaptah killed himself. He is now, however, working on a new wand, for which he carved out the heart of a sphinx, who was left on the astral plane unable to die, and her heart still beats as Neferkaptah put it in his cauldron to begin the wand preparation to craft the Sphinx-Heart Wand. In his eagerness, he makes too much noise and runs to hide from the wrath of a grumpy Nahktneith. Later, he travels through Thebes to the palace where he shoves a slave out of the way, who has just inserted the last brick. When out of sight, Neferkaptah hears the sound of a brick falling - unknowingly causing the death of Jazz, who would later become a ghost. He finds the king still with the workers in the garden and accuses Djer of wasting the Book of Thoth, as he has now turned bananas from blue to yellow. He wants to take the book from Djer, but Djer admits he gave it away to a mage who needed it to save the world and that the mage travelled to lost lands across the ocean, unknowingly referring to the Americas. Neferkaptah swears he will kill the mage and take the book and leaves. Djer, however, reveals to the workers, and Britt, who returns, that he still has the book and sent his brother on a wild chase across the world. Post The Wily Djer 3200BC sees the new king’s palace being built. The workers, however, are currently slacking off in the gardens. The lead architect, a strange European man who claimed to be from the future, was calling himself Britt Bacon Bringer and was handing out something he called a butty; bread with bacon in the middle. Britt Bacon Bringer: “How much longer do we need to wait, boss? You know, you’re still paying us for this time?” Djer put his palms together before his chin and winced at Britt. Partly from embarrassment, partly because he could hardly understand the foreigner’s crazy accent. Djer: “I’m sorry. She is sleeping in again. I don’t want to wake her up and get a pillow thrown at me.” Britt Bacon Bringer: “Could be worse.” Djer: “Or the shoe.” Britt Bacon Bringer: “Eh…” Djer: “Or the curling iron!” Britt Bacon Bringer: “Ouch! Well, I’m running out of bacon butties out here. Do you have any tea?” Djer: “What’s tea?” The man looked to the distant sky, as though coming to the realisation of some dramatic truth. Britt Bacon Bringer: “These are truly dark times indeed…” Djer: “Well, I do have this!” The pharaoh whipped something out of his yellow robes. Britt Bacon Bringer: “Congrats. You have a book. I’d give you a cookie, but I only have bacon.” Djer: “A book? Is that what it’s called?” Britt Bacon Bringer: “It’s weird to think there is a time before books. Well, a second time before books. Atlantis got books and now… sorry, I’m rambling. Ignore me.” Djer: “I intended to!” Britt Bacon Bringer: “You shouldn’t say that with such a happy grin on your face.” Djer: “With this book, I can perform great feats!” Britt suddenly looked at the book with great awareness. Britt Bacon Bringer: “What is it?” Djer: “The Book of Thoth! With it I can—I say! Where are you going?” From the opposite end of the garden, Britt shouted back; Britt Bacon Bringer: “Plot is on its way, I’m outta here!” Djer: “Plot? Someone is plotting!?” The king rubbed his beard. Djer: “No doubt it’s my brother. I’d best put this book to good use!” The king marched into the garden with purpose. He turned to the workers. Djer: “Workers of Thebes! What would you like for lunch?” Inside the palace where series of suites appointed to the role of grand vizier and that vizier was currently the king’s brother-by-another-mother. Same father though. Neferkaptah: “My fool of a brother sits on the throne while I waste away as lowly vizier! The shame of it!” He angrily poured the red potion into a thick, bronze cauldron. He then picked up his old wand, a simple wooden stick, and used it to channel the aether into a levitation spell. He didn’t want to risk damaging the heart. The heart was as large as his torso. It was still beating. Overcoming the sphinx had not been an easy task and Neferkaptah had had to summon a great many external powers to trap the angry beast. Once she was subdued, he had been able to carve out her heart with ease. She screamed the whole time, but that only brought him greater satisfaction. Her panting husk would still be there, resting on the astral plane where a sphinx usually resides, unable to truly die but unable to truly live now either. The heart slopped into the cauldron, spilling the red potion over the brim. Neferkaptah grinned manically with anticipation. There were many wizards, witches, mages, sages, necromancers, neck-romancers, sorcerers, warlocks, aethermancers, arcane practitioners and generally-magic capable people on the Earth. However, only a dozen were capable of crafting wands and staves and only a handful of those were capable of creating one with true greatness imbued into it. On his wall were three other wands he had created previously. His favourite of them all, and perhaps the most grisly, was the bone wand. He had travelled all the way to the ancient magical lands of Britannia and managed to steal the corpse of the revered Belshaggath from the druids that lived there. After many failed attempts, the femur bone finally clicked into place and was capable of funnelling aether drawn from the air; exemplified by virtue of Belshaggath’s once exalted position as NeSorcerer. That, alone, would create a wonderfully potent wand. But that wasn’t creative enough for Neferkaptah. As powerful as the druids of Britannia were, the harder part came in hunting down the current NeSorcerer, killing him and draining his marrow. That was inserted into the bone wand, mixing two generations of NeSorcerer to fuse the ultimate blood magic wand. Neferkaptah looked up at that wand with great pride. It had taken years to craft and would, he was certain, go on to do great and terrible works in the world long after his own personal legacy faded. He turned back to the cauldron. But this would be a greater wand still. In a state of excited glee, Neferkaptah began to cackle murderously. Neferkaptah: “I shall become the most fearsome force known to all mankind!” There was a sudden banging on the ceiling and the vizier growled to him as he heard his sister-in-law screaming down at him. Nahktneith: “Could you please shut the hell up down there!? Some of us are trying to sleep!” Neferkaptah: “It’s the middle of the afternoon, you lazy cow!” There was a tremendous rumble as the woman evidently leapt from her bed in a blind fury. Nerfkaptah: “Fuckballs!” He ran off and hid in a closet. Thebes was a young city that was being lavished upon by Djer. He threw money at the workers to build, his army travelled north and south to gather up new slaves and the settlers of the town were allowed to live tax free. He was determined to make Thebes the new centre of Egypt. However, the streets were still largely barren of people, except for large work forces that were still erecting hovels, workshops, temples, statues. Neferkaptah strode through those streets as though he owned them, shoving people aside with the flick of his wrist. He didn’t even need a wand for that. Better that he didn’t use the wand, it was still newborn and volatile. From within his robes he could feel it pulsing, the reduced piece of sphinx heart still beat aggressively. Rather than take the stairs, he floated up them. A little parlour trick that entertained the nearby workers. He smiled to himself, certain that greater entertainment was about to commence. He walked inside the palace. It was almost finished. Only work on the gardens needed to be done and the last slave was putting in the finishing touches as the vizier entered. He slave got down from the ladders, proud of his little accomplishment. Neferkaptah: “Out of my way, fool!” The vizier gave the slave a shove and he fell into the ladder. Jazz: “That was uncalled for!” He heard the slave mutter. Then there was an odd thump. The vizier paused, listened, then resumed as he passed into the corridor. Probably the idiot slave dropped a brick or something. Neferkaptah: “Brother!” Djer was in the garden with some workers. Apparently he had been there all day, telling stupid stories about his harem girls. The workers seemed to be enthralled. Djer: “Oh… it’s you.” Neferkaptah: “Yes, it is me. I have heard you are wasting the talents of the tome again!” Djer: “The Book of Thoth does whatever I will it to do. I can’t be blamed for every stray thought.” Neferkaptah: “You turned bananas yellow.” The workers cheered. Djer: “We decided that bananas look weird as blue. So we made them all yellow! They’re much healthier looking now! Besides, I love yellow.” Neferkaptah: “You brewed a whole lagoon of beer.” Djer: “The gentlemen here were thirsty!” The workers cheered again. Neferkaptah: “And I heard of several women in the city growing extra large breasts.” The workers pre-emptively cheered this time. Djer: “Now there are happier husbands in the city. All in a good cause.” Neferkaptah: “This is not what the Book of Thoth is for! You are wasting it on trivialities!” Djer: “I believe the gods want us to be happy. I made people happy. Isn’t that what gifts of gods should be for?” Neferkaptah: “They’re for great affairs and clearly you are too stupid to think so highly. I will relinquish you of the book!” Djer: “No you won’t.” Nerferkaptah: “It should be mine! It could be mine! Give me the ringOne Ring article, Wikipedia., Djer!” Djer: “Ring?” Neferkaptah: “I mean book!” Djer: “I can’t do that.” Nerfkaptah: “Don’t make me do this, brother…” He reached inside his rob, hand on the hilt of his wand. He had no love for Djer, or for anyone, but fratricide was one crime the gods frowned deeply upon. However, torn between that and the need for the book, Neferkaptah was prepared to accept the disfavour of the gods. Djer: “I mean I can’t. I don’t have it anymore.” The vizier deflated. Neferkaptah: “What do you mean? Where is it?” Djer: “I gave it away.” Rage blew from the vizier’s nostrils. Neferkaptah: “You did what!?” Djer: “I gave it away. A mage said they needed it to save the world, so naturally I agreed!” Neferkaptah: “You stupidity knows no bounds, you god damn fool! I despise your very existence! How can you be this dumb!? Who did you give it to? Where did they go?” Djer: “I don’t remember his name, but I believe he was travelling to the far east.” Neferkaptah: “As in Canaan?” Djer: “Further.” Neferkaptah: “Assyria then.” Djer: “Further.” Neferkaptah: “Further!? India?” Djer: “Further.” Neferkaptah: “China!?” Djer: “Further.” Neferkaptah: “Japan? Korea!?” Djer: “Further.” Neferkaptah: “There is nothing further!” Djer: “He claimed there were lost long lands across the great ocean, beyond Japan. That is where he went.” Neferkaptah was shocked. Neferkaptah: “This must be a truly powerful mage. Was it the current NeSorcerer?” Djer: “I don’t remember him saying so.” Neferkaptah: “You are a useless, little worm, Djer! I am leaving. I will find this mage and kill him!” Djer: “Good luck then!” Neferkaptah: “Hold your tongue. You best hope you are long dead before I return to Egypt.” He stormed off, headed straight for the docks, while Djer gave him a little wave and returned to the workers. Djer: “So, there’s this one girl who is from the deep south of the continent. She speaks an ancient language they say is from the dawn of man!” Worker: “Should you really let your brother do that, sire?” Djer: “Don’t worry about him. Let him have his fun running around the world.” Worker: “But what if he finds this mage and the lost lands and takes that powerful book?” Djer grinned. Djer: “You mean this book?” He opened his robe to reveal he still had the book on his person. The workers all laughed merrily at the subterfuge. Djer: “Only my brother would believe me to be so stupid as to give this away to a stranger. And the only person stupid enough to believe in lost lands across the sea! Madness!” They all laughed heartily again. Djer: “This will be with me until the day I die, while my brother will be searching the entire planet fruitlessly for something that was here all along.” Worker: “Three cheers for the king!” The workers whooped at their happy monarch. Djer: “These yellow bananas really are great though, aren’t they? What else should be try?” Worker: “Turn the moon pink!” Djer: “Good one! But then my brother might catch on.” The workers fell into consideration. Then a voice piped up. Britt Bacon Bringer: “Okay, I’m back. Now I know why bananas used to be blue.” Djer: “Don’t you mean why they’re now yellow?” Britt Bacon Bringer: “For your next spell, maybe you should make it so this palace stays standing up?” Djer blinked. Djer: “Will it fall down?” Britt Bacon Bringer: “I have a lot of bad luck, I confess. There’s just always one brick missing somewhere and the whole bloody thing falls down.” Djer: “You’re only telling me this now?” Britt Bacon Bringer: “Well, I wouldn’t get much work if I admitted that beforehand, would I?” Notes Britt's Commentary "The 'ring' reference is from a scene in The Lord of the RingsThe Lord of the Rings article, Wikipedia. when BoromirBoromir article, Wikipedia. tries to take the One Ring from FrodoFrodo Baggins article, Wikipedia.." ~ Britt the Writer References External References Category:Post Category:Leg Post